Sadhguru says expectations are not the problem; it's our attachment to their outcomes that causes suffering. When we release the need for perfection, we make room for growth and resilience.
Article | June 08, 1991
Sadhguru: In our journey through life, expectations play an integral role in shaping our experiences, relationships, and overall sense of well-being. Whether conscious or unconscious, expectations influence how we perceive ourselves, others, and the world around us. While they can motivate and inspire us to strive for more, they also have the potential to cause disappointment, frustration, and stress when unmet.
Managing expectations, therefore, becomes a critical skill in fostering inner peace, emotional resilience, and personal growth. This article explores the complexities of expectations—how they form, how they impact our lives, and most importantly, how we can manage them to lead more balanced and fulfilling lives.
Expectations are not the problem; it's our attachment to their outcomes that causes suffering.
The Nature of Expectations
Expectations are essentially beliefs or assumptions about how events should unfold, how people should behave, or what outcomes should result from our actions. They often arise from our past experiences, cultural conditioning, societal norms, and personal desires. From early childhood, we are exposed to a web of expectations—those set by parents, teachers, peers, and society as a whole.
While some expectations are explicit and clearly defined, many are subtle and implicit. For example, we may expect respect from others without explicitly communicating this, or we may expect success in our careers based on societal definitions of achievement. Over time, these expectations become ingrained in our subconscious and influence our reactions to different situations.
The key to inner peace lies not in lowering expectations but in accepting the reality they reveal.
Positive and Negative Aspects of Expectations
Expectations, by nature, are neither inherently good nor bad. They can serve as a double-edged sword. On the one hand, they motivate us to achieve goals, improve our relationships, and bring structure to our lives. On the other hand, they can lead to frustration, disappointment, and emotional suffering when reality falls short of our expectations.
Positive Aspects:
Motivation and Aspiration: Expectations can drive us to set goals and strive for improvement. When we expect better results, we are often willing to put in the effort to achieve them.
Social Harmony: Expectations also serve as the foundation for social interaction. They create norms that guide behaviour in personal and professional relationships, leading to trust, cooperation, and mutual understanding.
Self-Improvement: Personal expectations encourage us to improve ourselves, whether it’s through education, fitness, or personal growth. They challenge us to push our limits and become better versions of ourselves.
When we release the need for perfection, we make room for growth and resilience
Negative Aspects:
Disappointment and Frustration: The most common negative aspect of expectations is the emotional turmoil that arises when expectations are unmet. Whether it's a failed relationship, a missed promotion, or a friend's betrayal, unmet expectations can lead to feelings of sadness, anger, and frustration.
Control and Pressure: Expectations can create a sense of control over situations or people, leading to disappointment when things don’t go as planned. They also put pressure on ourselves and others to conform to certain standards, leading to stress and anxiety.
Limiting Experience: Fixed expectations can limit our ability to experience life fully. When we become attached to a particular outcome, we may miss opportunities for growth and joy in unexpected places.
Unmet expectations are not failures but opportunities to practice patience and self-compassion.
How Expectations Form
Understanding how expectations form is essential to managing them effectively. Our expectations are influenced by a variety of factors, including:
Cultural and Societal Influences: Society plays a significant role in shaping our expectations. Cultural norms and values dictate what is considered "successful" or "acceptable," and we often internalize these standards without question. From career aspirations to family dynamics, societal expectations exert a powerful influence on our personal expectations.
Family and Upbringing: Our early experiences with family shape our foundational expectations about relationships, success, and self-worth. If we were raised in an environment where love was conditional on achievement, we may develop high expectations of ourselves and others. Conversely, a supportive and nurturing upbringing can lead to more realistic and compassionate expectations.
Personal Desires and Goals: Our aspirations and desires also contribute to our expectations. If we set ambitious goals, we may expect great things from ourselves, often to the point of perfectionism. While personal ambition can be a powerful motivator, unrealistic expectations can lead to chronic dissatisfaction.
Past Experiences: Our past experiences shape our future expectations. If we have been repeatedly disappointed in relationships, we may develop low expectations in new connections. Alternatively, past successes can create the expectation that things will always go well, leading to a sense of entitlement.
Clear communication turns silent expectations into mutual understanding in relationships.
The Impact of Unmet Expectations
Unmet expectations are a common source of stress and emotional suffering. When reality does not align with our expectations, we experience a gap between "what is" and "what should be." This gap often leads to feelings of frustration, disappointment, anger, and even despair.
The emotional impact of unmet expectations can vary depending on the situation:
In Relationships: Expectations in relationships often centre around love, respect, communication, and support. When our partner, family member, or friend does not meet our expectations, we may feel neglected, unloved, or disrespected. This can strain relationships and lead to conflict, resentment, and even separation.
In Careers: In the professional sphere, unmet expectations can lead to feelings of failure and inadequacy. If we expect a promotion or raise that does not materialize, we may question our worth or the fairness of the system. This can result in disengagement, burnout, or a decision to leave the job.
In Personal Goals: When we set high expectations for ourselves and fail to meet them, we can be our harshest critics. Unmet personal expectations can lead to self-doubt, anxiety, and a diminished sense of self-worth. This is particularly true for perfectionists, who set impossibly high standards for themselves.
Managing expectations is about balancing our dreams with the reality of the present moment.
Managing Expectations: Strategies for Emotional Resilience
Managing expectations is not about lowering them or giving up on our desires and goals. Rather, it is about developing a balanced and flexible approach that allows us to navigate life’s uncertainties with grace and resilience. Here are some strategies to help manage expectations effectively:
1. Cultivate Awareness
The first step in managing expectations is to become aware of them. Many of our expectations are unconscious, and we may not even realize we have them until they are unmet. Take time to reflect on your relationships, career, and personal goals to identify any underlying expectations that may be causing stress or disappointment.
Practice: Regular meditation or journaling can help you become more aware of your expectations. When you notice feelings of frustration or disappointment, ask yourself: “What was I expecting in this situation? Is this expectation realistic?”
Flexibility in expectations allows us to flow with life’s changes rather than resist them.
2. Practice Flexibility
Life is inherently unpredictable, and rigid expectations can set us up for disappointment. Flexibility involves recognizing that things may not always go as planned, and that’s okay. Being open to different outcomes can reduce the emotional impact of unmet expectations and allow us to adapt more easily to changing circumstances.
Practice: The next time you find yourself feeling upset about an unmet expectation, try to reframe the situation. Ask yourself, “What can I learn from this?” or “Is there another way to approach this situation?” This mindset shift can help you embrace change and uncertainty.
Perfection is not the absence of flaws but the acceptance of our imperfections.
3. Communicate Expectations Clearly
One of the most common reasons expectations go unmet is because they are not communicated clearly. In relationships, we often assume that others know what we want or need, but this is rarely the case. Clear communication is essential to ensuring that both parties are on the same page and that expectations are realistic and achievable.
Practice: In your relationships, make a conscious effort to express your expectations openly and honestly. Use “I” statements to communicate your needs and avoid making assumptions. For example, instead of saying, “You should know how I feel,” try, “I would appreciate it if you could listen to me when I’m upset.”
4. Embrace Imperfection
Perfectionism is one of the biggest barriers to managing expectations. When we expect perfection from ourselves or others, we set ourselves up for disappointment, as perfection is rarely attainable. Learning to embrace imperfection allows us to be more compassionate toward ourselves and others and reduces the pressure to meet unrealistic standards.
Practice: Challenge perfectionist tendencies by setting more realistic and achievable goals. Allow yourself (and others) to make mistakes, and view them as opportunities for growth rather than failures.
True strength lies not in achieving every expectation, but in embracing the lessons of those we don’t.
5. Focus on the Present Moment
Expectations often pull us into the future, causing anxiety about what may or may not happen. By focusing on the present moment, we can reduce the stress and pressure associated with expectations. Mindfulness practices, such as deep breathing and meditation, can help ground us in the present and reduce the mental chatter associated with future expectations.
Practice: Incorporate mindfulness techniques into your daily routine. Whether it’s a five-minute meditation or simply taking a few deep breaths before a challenging conversation, mindfulness can help you stay centred and reduce the impact of unmet expectations.
Expectations without empathy are rigid walls; with empathy, they become bridges of understanding.
6. Adjust Expectations Based on Experience
Managing expectations does not mean abandoning them entirely, but rather adjusting them based on new information and experiences. If a certain expectation repeatedly leads to disappointment, it may be time to reassess its validity and adjust accordingly. This doesn’t mean lowering your standards but refining them to better align with reality.
Practice: When faced with repeated disappointment in a certain area of your life (e.g., relationships, work, personal goals), take time to reflect on whether your expectations are realistic. Ask yourself, “Is this expectation serving me, or is it causing more harm than good?” If necessary, adjust your expectations to better match your current reality.
In the space between expectation and reality, self-compassion is the bridge that leads to peace.
The Role of Self-Compassion in Managing Expectations
One of the most powerful tools for managing expectations is self-compassion. When we experience unmet expectations, our inner critic often emerges, blaming ourselves for the gap between our desires and reality. This harsh self-judgment only adds to our emotional suffering.
Self-compassion involves treating ourselves with kindness and understanding, especially in moments of failure or disappointment. It allows us to acknowledge our humanity and imperfections without self-blame or shame. By cultivating self-compassion, we can navigate unmet expectations with greater resilience and emotional balance.
1. Acknowledge Your Feelings
The first step in practising self-compassion is to acknowledge the feelings that arise when expectations go unmet. Instead of suppressing or ignoring these emotions, allow yourself to feel them fully. Whether it’s sadness, frustration, or anger, permit yourself to experience these emotions without judgment.
Practice: The next time you experience an unmet expectation, pause and take a few deep breaths. Notice the emotions that arise and allow yourself to feel them without trying to fix or change them. Remind yourself that it’s okay to feel disappointed and that these feelings are a natural part of being human.
To manage expectations is to manage the story we tell ourselves about what should be.
2. Speak to Yourself with Kindness
When we fall short of our expectations, we often engage in harsh self-criticism. Self-compassion involves speaking to ourselves with the same kindness and understanding that we would offer to a friend. Instead of berating yourself for not meeting your expectations, offer yourself words of comfort and encouragement.
Practice: The next time you find yourself being self-critical, pause and ask yourself, “What would I say to a friend in this situation?” Use this compassionate tone to speak to yourself. For example, instead of saying, “I’m such a failure,” try, “I’m doing the best I can, and it’s okay if things don’t go as planned.”
Realistic expectations are the foundation of healthy relationships and lasting peace.
3. Recognize Common Humanity
One of the core components of self-compassion is recognizing that we are not alone in our struggles. Unmet expectations are a universal experience, and everyone faces disappointment and failure at some point in their lives. By recognizing our shared humanity, we can feel less isolated and more connected to others in our journey.
Practice: When you experience disappointment, remind yourself that unmet expectations are a part of life for everyone. Reflect on how others have faced similar challenges and remind yourself that you are not alone in your struggles.
Managing Expectations in Relationships
Managing expectations is especially important in relationships, where unspoken assumptions and unmet needs can lead to conflict and resentment. Healthy relationships are built on clear communication, mutual understanding, and realistic expectations. Here are some tips for managing expectations in relationships:
1. Set Realistic Expectations
In relationships, it’s easy to fall into the trap of expecting too much from our partner, friend, or family member. While it’s important to have standards and boundaries, it’s equally important to set realistic expectations that take into account the other person’s limitations and individuality.
Practice: Take time to reflect on your expectations in your relationships. Are they realistic and achievable? Are you expecting your partner or friend to meet all of your emotional needs? Consider whether your expectations are fair and whether they allow for the other person’s imperfections.
2. Communicate Openly and Honestly
Many relationship conflicts arise from unspoken or misunderstood expectations. Clear and open communication is essential for managing expectations in relationships. By expressing your needs and desires openly, you can avoid misunderstandings and build a stronger foundation of trust.
Practice: Make a conscious effort to communicate your expectations clearly and directly. If you feel disappointed by something your partner or friend did, express your feelings calmly and respectfully. Avoid assuming that the other person knows what you need without you saying it.
Letting go of control over outcomes doesn't mean giving up; it means trusting the journey.
3. Practice Empathy
Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of others. When managing expectations in relationships, it’s important to practice empathy by considering the other person’s perspective and limitations. By putting yourself in their shoes, you can develop a more compassionate and realistic view of the relationship.
Practice: The next time you feel frustrated by unmet expectations in a relationship, take a moment to consider the other person’s perspective. Ask yourself, “What might they be going through?” or “What are their limitations in this situation?” Practising empathy can help you approach the relationship with greater understanding and compassion.
Conclusion
Managing expectations is a lifelong process that requires self-awareness, flexibility, and self-compassion. While expectations can motivate and inspire us, they can also lead to disappointment and emotional suffering when unmet. By cultivating awareness of our expectations, practising flexibility, and embracing imperfection, we can navigate life’s uncertainties with greater resilience and inner peace.
In relationships, managing expectations through clear communication, empathy, and realistic standards can strengthen connections and reduce conflict. Ultimately, managing expectations is about finding a balance between striving for what we want and accepting what is, allowing us to live more fully in the present moment and cultivate a sense of inner peace and fulfilment.
